I stalked into the house and up to my room.

"Where the hell did I put the spray paint?" I yell at nobody, well except for myself.

I'm mad for some reason. I had just slapped two of my best friends and I didn't know why. I went through the closet looking for the spray paint I had hidden.My closet looks like the gates of hell, well my room is purgatory, as Ape put it.

It's not that bad, it's not even painted black. my carpet is, but the walls are dark blue. Okay maybe it is bad, everything except the walls are black, the dresser, the sheets, the side table, the tv, it all black.

My closet is dark blue just cause if it was black the only clothing I would be able find is my jeans.

The spray paint wasn't in the closet. I tried under my bed. I found my old notebook and forgot about the spray paint for a mintue.

Opening the notebook i started to read my loopsided chicken scratch words.

"Death is nothing but a deep black hole. Sucking me in, suffacating me. I can't breath. Death is as black as the night sky. If the sky at night is my comforter, then too is death? if I were to die, then would I be happy? Would death truly be the end?"

I ran my hand over the dried blood drops on the page. I wrote those words 7 years ago.

7 years ago, i was 14 and I had screwed up. My boyfriend was beating me, Bam was gone, I was doing horrible in school and Ape and Phil were getting on my ass about it. Then I started cutting myself.

I skipped classes and hung out with the druggies. God I don't want to remember right now. It went on for 6 months until Bam came home. Bam literally slapped the hell out of me when he found out. God now I really don't want to remember. Shit, too late.

Flashback
Bam came into the kitchen. I looked up. "Your home." I said plainly.

"Jade, you look like shit." he said.

He was right. I was painfully pale. Wearing black lipstick and eye shadow, my hair was stringy and greasy.

I was wearing a short low cut black tank top and black pants so baggy,they barely stayed on even with the sliver chained belt.

The scars on my wrists were covered with black figerless gloves that went to my elbows, and I had on black lace up boots and a black trench coat.

"So what?" I said getting up.

"Where are you going?I just got home." he said as I headed for the door.

"Out. Does it matter?" I asked.

"Jade, what happen to you?" He knew something was wrong.

"Well if you had been here, you'd know." I said before slipping out.

Bam was out after me. He grabbed hold of my jacket and dragged me back in the house.

"What the hell is your problem?" I asked taking off my jacket to break his hold on me.

Bam didn't say anything he grabbed my wrist and pulled off both of the gloves. He looked at the scars then back at me.

Something landed hard across my face sending me back where I fell. I put a hand to my face, feeling hot tears dripping.

I looked up at Bam, his hand was raised balled into a fist, as he strode over me. I saw his eyes, cold hard and emotionless.

Bam grabbed hold of me and threw me into the living room. I landed hard across the couch. He picked me up again and slammed me into the wall. I screamed trying to think,breathe,and react in the split second before Bam grabbed my throat.

He forced me onto the floor.His hand ripped away the front of my shirt before his fist connected with my stomach. He did it twice more, before pulling himself on top of me so he was seated on my stomach.

He slapped me hard across the face. It happened again and again until his blows softened until with a final blow he stopped. He pulled himself off me.

I was crying. My vision blurred, I felt sick and dizzy as I pulled my self up. I rested my head against the wall and drew my legs up to the side.

Bam knelt down beside me then and took me in his arms.

"Jade it's going to be okay" I pushed him away.

"You just beat the fucking shit out of me and you say it's going to be okay?!" I yelled pulling myself to my feet.

I couldn't see worth shit and I needed to throw up.

"I'm sorry, but I had to kick your ass to get your senses back." he said helping me back down to the floor.

I put my hand to my face, I was bleeding.

"Stay here I'll be right back." Bam got up and left.

I tried to get up again and fell back down. Bam was back a few mintues later. He came in sat down beside me.

"Here, hold this on."

He put an ice pack to the side of my head.

"I screwed you up, real bad." he said.

His voice was breaking.

"I screwed myself up." I said closing my eyes.

My brother just kicked my ass and I wasn't mad, boy was I fucked up.

I opened my eyes and looked up at him then. His eyes had changed. His ice blue eyes sparkled with tears and burned with untold pain.

"Bam I screwed up so bad." I confessed.

Bam put his hand on my arm.

"I just want to die." I said laying my head back.

I let it out and sobbed into the wall.

"Shh. Jade I'm here now. We are going to figure this all out and everything will be okay." Bam told me.

He took me in his arms and held me. I put my head on his shoulder,sobbing into his shirt.

End Flashback

God why did I have to remember. I put my hand up to my right eye, right next to it was the rectangle shaped scar where bam's ring went in when he punched me.

I'd carry the scar for the rest of my life. Even the cutter scars where beginning to fade, but not the 'rec' scar as I called it.No it would always be there.

"Hey Jade, what the hell?" Dunn asks walking into my room.

I pushed the notebook back under the bed.

"Sorry, man looking for something I can't find."I said.

I got up and walked out of my room. Dunn followed behind. Closely behind me, I could feel his breath on my neck.

'God this is weird'I thought.

We went back outside. Raab was doing a piss poor job messing the car up.

"Raab can't even fuck a car up straight." Dunn remarked.

"You can't fuck anything straight." Raab shot back

"Enough!" I said picking up Bam's football and tossing it threw the windshield.

"Raab, go in the house and get the bag of flour Ape hid under the sink. Dunn go to the garage and get a sledge hammer." I bitch heading out back to get my four-wheeler.

I start laughing at my own bitchin.

"I'm truly insane and now I'm talking to myself." I laugh, heading over to were the four-wheelers are parked.

"What the hell?" I asked seeing the keys missing.

I went over to Bam's, same story.

"Shit." I cussed taking out my cellphone.

I dialed Bam's number and waited for him to pick up.

"Yo."

"Bam, Jade. Where the hell are the keys to my four- wheeler?"

"Aren't they in it?"

"No, yours aren't ethier."

"WHAT?!"

I held the phone at arms length as Bam cussed. Just then I looked over at the ground. A bag lay on the ground with a piece of paper on top.

"What the hell, Bam hang on a sec." I said picking the paper up.

'Bam,Jade,:

Thanks for the mustard bath

-Rake'

"Oh God. I just found our keys." I said opening the bag with the tips of my fingers

"Where?" Bam asked.

"Rake isn't by any chance laughing is he?" I asked

"Yeah, actually......Oh god what did he do?"

"How do you like our four-wheeler keys in a bag of dog shit?"

"He didn't fucking do that.....oh fuck."

"We'll kill him later. Right now I think this bag would look good on Vito's car."

"Later Jade."

"Later Bam." I hung up and dug our keys out and wiped them off.

"ew...just....ew" Iput the keys back in the four-wheelers and picked up the shit bag.

"What the hell reeks?" Dunn asks as Idrag it over to the car.

"Dude, it's a shit bag" Raab remarked

I tossed it on the hood of the car and wiped my hands on Dunn's shirt.

"Did you have to do that?" he asks me

"Well would you rather I put my hands on Raab?" I ask him.

"No" is his reply