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Brother Helps Brother
By Musicbabe13
Chapter 7
The next few weeks were both better and worse for both Jess and Bam. At times Jess almost thought he had the old Bam
back but at other times he thought it was worse than ever.
Sometimes he almost had to laugh at Bam's behavior. Bam
would sometimes stop in the middle of doing something to stare at an object. Jess knew what Bam was up to.
It was
shocking to discover everything around you for the first time, even though you had been seeing it your whole life. Jess had
done it himself when he first made the discovery but he didn't have to look as hard as Bam. Ever so slowly the sparkle in
Bam's eye grew. The life in them was coming back very slowly.
April noticed it once or twice and raised an eyebrow
but didn't say anything, as much as she wanted to. It was hard for her to restrain herself, seeing as it was her son. She
remembered what Jess had told her.
April had began to watch Jess and Bam closer since that night, trying to watch
out for them as best she could. She noticed that Jess always kept a watchful eye on Bam, no matter what else was going on.
She just hoped Bam would be able to work it out and was very prepared to step in if Jess needed the help.
There were
still hard times, once or twice Bam felt like giving up on himself, on everything. At one point Bam reached the edge and almost
fell over.
During CKY’s month off, Jess took it upon himself to move in with Bam so that he wouldn’t be
alone. Jess had just gotten back from going to get pizza and soda.
"Bam? Are you in here?" Jess called into Bam's
room. Jess didn’t see Bam on the couch watching TV, which is what he was doing when he left. He searched the rest of
the house and began to get worried when he couldn’t find his brother. There was no answer.
Bam was sitting around
the small corner next to his bed. Curled up in a ball he tried to answer Jess when he called to him but found his voice wasn't
working. Bam knew he had to get his brother's attention.
Jess was the only one who would come looking for him and
Jess was the only one who could stop him from doing what he wanted to. Bam was desperate to get Jess' attention but couldn't
find his voice. He wanted to yell to Jess but just couldn't force himself to.
Finally, as Jess was about to leave,
Bam let out a small soft whimper. That whimper was all the sound Bam could manage.
Jess barely heard the whimper and
thought it was probably a figment of his imagination. Just in case, he walked into the room fully and looked around. His eyes
fell on a small huddled mass in the corner.
It took him a second to realize it was Bam sitting there, rocking back
and forth like he was in pain.
"Don't leave me...I don't know what I'll do...don't let me do anything..." Bam croaked
finally managing to speak. Bam desperately wanted to end it all but knew he wouldn't be able to in front of Jess.
The
small part of him that still wanted to live was screaming to keep Jess in the room, to keep Jess close, so he wouldn't be
able to do anything stupid.
Jess didn't know what to do. Part of him wanted to run and get April . Jess thought mom
would know what to do, she always seemed to know what to do.
But another part, a stronger part, told him not to leave
Bam for a moment. That part was also reminding him about his promise to Bam, that he wouldn't tell anyone. Bam was so fragile
now he could shatter at any moment, having to explain this to everyone else would have destroyed him completely.
So
Jess did the only thing he could think of. He gathered a shaking Bam into his arms and rocked him back and forth in the same
rhythm Bam had already been swaying in.
Bam knew he was safe now, Jess wouldn't let him do anything to himself. Bam
let Jess try to comfort him. For awhile, the part of Bam that wanted him to let go refused to cooperate with the rest of him.
That part was forcing Bam to sit rigidly in Jess's arms, clinging to Jess for dear life. Bam wasn't really hearing
what Jess was saying to him. All Bam could make out was that Jess was speaking to him in a soothing voice, that was enough
for now.
Jess saw that Bam wasn't really listening to him. Bam was just sitting there, staring ahead with a look of
confusion and pain etched on his face. He didn't cry at all, almost as if he didn't have the fight left in him to cry, but
was trembling violently.
Jess kept talking, not knowing what else to do. It was as much for his benefit as for Bam's,
Jess just didn't know what else he could do. So he kept talking, repeating things quite often because he wasn't sure what
to say and trying to figure out what he was going to do now.
It was a few hours before the part of Bam that wanted
to die gave up and let the feeling decline with it. Bam didn't have to fight inside himself anymore and slumped against Jess,
letting his body go limp.
He slouched against Jess letting Jess's now clear words fall over him in comfort as large
tears began to roll down his cheeks.
Jess felt Bam relax against him and looked down. Bam had buried his head in Jess's
shoulder and closed his eyes as tears made trails down his cheeks. Jess almost thought Bam was asleep but wasn't sure.
"Jess?"
Bam asked in a very soft voice.
"Yeah?" Jess replied, willing his voice not to shake.
His throat was getting
sore from saying words of comfort over and over but he was determined not to let Bam see him falter in the least.
"Don't
leave me." Bam whispered as more tears began to fall. Jess gently wiped the tears from Bam's face.
"I won't, Bam.
I promise I won't." Jess told him.
"Sing to me, please." Bam asked in a whisper without opening his eyes.
Jess
thought for a moment and than started singing ‘Lean on me' which seemed fitting for the occasion. Bam let Jess's voice
wash over him as it lulled him to sleep.
Jess's angelic voice sent him into a peaceful slumber. Bam knew Jess would
be there when he woke up to face the world again.
Jess finished the song with tears in his eyes and a lump in his
throat. He took a few seconds to compose himself before turning his attention back to Bam.
Looking at his friend he
realized Bam was sleeping peacefully. Bam looked so weak it almost made Jess burst into tears.
Bam's head drooped
gently on Jess's shoulders with fresh tear stains streaking his pale face, starting from the dark circles under his eyes.
Bam was clinging to Jess for dear life, even in his sleep, and seemed so much more fragile than the old Bam that Jess
could barely picture him jumping around.
Jess couldn't make himself let go of Bam, afraid that if he did, he would
lose him.
Jess stayed awake for almost the entire night, watching over Bam. Every time Jess drifted into sleep he
had a dream that he hadn't been there and Bam had thought no one cared and killed himself.
That dream was waiting
for Jess every time his eyes drooped shut and he immediately shot awake half way through it. By the time the dawn began to
break Jess was looking almost as bad as Bam was.
It was at that point Bam began to stir slightly in his sleep. Bam's
eyes fluttered open, he took one look around and shut his eyes tightly again. Bam didn't feel quite ready to deal with everything.
He wanted a few more minutes of peace, at least.
But it couldn't last and Bam knew that. He had to face everything
sooner or later. He was going to have to face Jess too. Bam couldn't comprehend what he must have put his friend through in
the last day. Still, Bam didn't want to move just yet. He felt safest hidden away from the world like this.
Jess shifted
his weight ever so slightly, not wanting to disturb Bam. Jess thought Bam was still asleep, lost in his dream world which
wasn't as harsh as reality.
"Jess?" Bam's soft voice sounded in the quiet.
"Yeah." Jess replied just as softly.
"I'm scared." Bam whispered.
"Of what?" Jess asked, slightly confused by the pervious comment.
"What
would everyone say if they saw me like this?" Bam buried his face further into Jess's arms.
"I don't want to disappoint
anyone. I don't want to let anyone down."
"You aren't letting anyone down. The guys, your family, everyone still loves
you. I was never disappointed in you, ever. I still love you." Jess replied trying to reassure his brother.
"How?
How can you say that after all this? After everything I've put you through? I know that at some point I must have hurt you.
I must have done something or said something to hurt you."
Tears began to slide down Bam's face. The seemingly ever
present tears. Bam couldn't bare to look at his brother but held onto Jess tighter, trying to make the world go away. Jess
let out a slow, sad sigh.
"Bam, I would be lying if I said nothing you've done has hurt me. Just seeing you like this
hurts me. But whatever this is putting me through can't be nearly as bad as what this is doing to you." Jess paused trying
to collect the right words.
"You are my best friend, my brother, we're family. I will never, ever let you down. I
will be there for you for as long as you need me. And so will the other guys. They may not know what's going on but they will
be there. I promise. We all love you, Bam. I will always love you, no matter what happens." Jess's voice was soft and reassuring
yet firm.
He had stayed strong for Bam, having only broken down once in front of April;. And Jess wasn't going to
lose that strength now. Not when Bam need him the most.
"I love you too." Bam sniffled. Jess's only response was to
hold Bam tighter. They both sat there for a long time. Neither of them speaking. Jess comforting Bam as Bam tried to pull
the pieces of his life back together.
~**~
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