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Viva La Jade
By punk_of_a_tomboy
Chapter 5
I
was taken aback by his answer. "You knew?"
"Yeah." he said.
"I did, I wanted to die. I wanted pain. I wanted
to suffer." I admitted
"Here's my question, why did you want that?" Bam looked into my eyes
"Because you left
me."
"I didn't leave you."
"You were gone 9 months, Bam. You didn't call at all. I was 14 gddamnit and you
weren't there for me when i needed you most."
'I-I didn't know."
"No you didn't. And you didn't care to ask.
God, Mike Park, remember him, we started going out right before you left. You know what he did to me?"
"You told me.
I was stupid to let you go with him."
"But you did. You left me, Bam. You left me." I rubbed my eyes and looked away
from Bam.
We had never really talked about it, until now.
"God, Jade I'm sorry."
"No Bam. Stop, saying
that."
"God, We never brought this up like this."
"I know, maybe it is time to just talk about it"
"If
your ready to."
"Yeah. Come on we'll have more privacy in my bedroom." I said getting off the counter.
Bam
and I headed into my room and I shut the door. Bam sat down on my bed. I pulled the notebook out from under the bed and sat
down beside him.
"What's that?"
I opened it and handed it to Bam.
"Jesus. How could you think like
that?" he said after reading it
"Keep reading the notebook is filled up." I knew what he was reading, every word was
still in my mind.
"Jade this is really really good writing even if it is suicidal" Bam finally said.
He turned
to the final page.
"Really?" I asked.
"Yeah" I winced as he began reading the final page.
My suicide
letter.
Dad, Mom, Jess, Bam
I know if your reading this I'm dead. My life sucks and I'm hurting so much
that I had to end it. Mom, I love you, don't blame yourself, aww hell even though I say that your going to anyway. It ISN'T
your fault Mom, you did your job with Jess,Bam and me. I failed on my own. Dad, please help Mom threw this. It's going to
be so hard on her. I know it's hard on you too, I love you. I'm so sorry I did this to both of you. Jess, my biggest brother.
How do I say good bye to you who I love so much? You tried to help me get my life together but you couldn't. I know you never
really gave up trying to help me. I feel so gulity about pushing you away like I did. Maybe if I had tried harder things would
be different. Bam, god where are you? Are you even here, with mom dad and Jess reading this? why did you have to leave me?
I feel so empty without you. I miss you so much. I'm sorry you have to come home to this. if you had stayed I know things
would be different. Instead you left so I died. how can I tell you I love you when I told you not to go. Didn't I always tell
you I'm always right. I hate being right, it's part of why I say goodbye to you to everyone. I'm goin to hell for killin myself
I know I am. ah hell time to meet the flames. If there is blood on this, then it's obvious I slit my wrists. I'd reather die
slow then put a gun to my head.
Forever and for always,
Jade Colleen Margera
I looked at the floor
and Bam slowly closed the notebook.
"I....what do you say to something like that?" he asked me
"You don't say
anything, we burn it. We don't ever talk about it again." I told him takeing the notebook.
"Just burn it, all of it?"
"Yeah."
"Jade, talk to me. You wouldn't have kept that notebook all these years if they didn't mean something."
"Alright, I wanted you to read it. Someday, when we finally talked about what happen."
"What did really happen,
what went on in your mind."
"Now you sound like a shrink."
"Dude, haggard image."
"Very haggard. I
don't know. I really don't. When I cut it just felt better. I felt normal like everything was the way it should be. When I
first did it I felt happy and as I kept doing it the mood I got decressed, till it was just normal. It got so normal that
I didn't care anymore and even that would making me sad and depressed. So it got to the point where I just wanted it to end.I
just wanted to end it all."
"Did me beating you up really change all that?"
"You where back I was in total
pain that I hadn't felt since I started cutting and I wanted it to stop. I was finnaly feeling pain from cutting. I didn't
want to feel that pain anymore and I didn't want to die anymore. It didn't go right away, there where times when I wanted
to cut but then I would always remember seeing how much it hurt you."
Bam lay back on my bed and I lay down beside
him. I laughed.
"I'm so lucky that your my big brother."
Bam laughed.
"I'm lucky your my little sister.
"
"Does that mean we are off the subject?"
"Unless you had something to add."
"I need a beer real
bad if that counts."
"So do I. What do say, six pack and a game of pool?"
"Hell yeah." I said getting up and
heading down stairs.
"Hell yeah." said Bam following me.
I looked back at Bam. Even though my arm still hurts,
I'm still wet, and the memories of past mistakes still burn fresh in my mind, seeing my big brother smile at me, his blue
eyes as warm as the grin on his face, everything is okay.
~**~
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