By The Original Pippie
a few hours of trying to control my emotions, I came home. It’s not normally the time I would go to bed, but I figure
I’m going to be up half the night thinking about him any way.
Might as well be comfortable under my own sheets
while I’m remembering about the day. Here I lie wrapped in the blanket. Something doesn’t seem right for some
Maybe it’s just because I’m not tired yet. I’ll try to just close my eyes. Nope no use.
As soon as I close my eyes I see his face taunting me.
Throwing my blanket off I sit up gazing into the darkness of
my lonely, lonely room. Over on the top of the pile resting on my dresser is the shirt Bam gave to me.
I just got
the urge to pick it up and put it on. After walking over to my dresser I now wrap my fingers around the cotton t-shirt and
just feel it with my finger tips. I carefully pick it up, making sure that it doesn’t some how get damaged, and spread
the cloth out over my hands.
For the first time since I’ve been alone the smile I had been fighting back is making
its appearance. Look at me I’m getting giddy over a t-shirt that Bam gave me.
While holding the shirt up, I
am imagining it on his body for a moment. Oh that body of his makes me want to bite it sometimes. I want to bite him all over.
I bet he would like to be bitten.
I hold the shirt up to my nose and take in a deep breath. Mmmm…. It smells
so good, so intoxicating. I feel like I just sucked in Bam’s essence through my nose.
Looking down at my own
shirt is making me frown a little. I should be wearing Bam’s shirt. Quickly tearing my drab old shirt off, and tossing
it to the floor, I now laugh as I pull Bam’s shirt over my head.
It feels so good against my skin; I never want
to take it off. It’s the closest thing I have to him being on me. I wish I were in his arms right now. But this shirt
is going to have to do.
As I’m walking back to my bed I laugh again, feeling like I just opened a Christmas
or birthday present. I lie back down and cover myself up.
With my eyes closed and goofy grin on my face I am able
to relax and just take in everything from earlier today.
I just pulled into Bam’s driveway. Good I don’t see his hummer. This is the first
time I came here not looking for Bam.
After last night I just need to talk to someone, but I’m not ready for
it to be Bam. I need to talk to someone who wont shun me or freak out over my personal problems.
go to Bam for that, but this is about him. Which is why I came to see her. I know she’ll understand and maybe help me
to know what to do with myself.
I enter the house through the same door I always use and walk into the kitchen. She’s
here folding clothes so that means she’ll have time for a chat.
“Hello April. Lovely day today isn’t
“Hi Brandon. Bam’s out right now…”
“I know. You’re actually
the one I wanted to see.”
“Oh yeah? What are you up to?” She asks suspiciously.
I swear. I just needed to talk to some one. I figured you would be a good one to go to.”
“Oh well I’m
flattered. What do you need to talk about?”
“Do you mind if we…” I motion to the chairs.
nods and pulls two chairs out for us to sit down in.
“Well you see Ape… I have these feelings for someone
around here and they’re growing stronger all the time. The thing is there’s nothing I can do about it because
this person is all ready involved in a relationship with some one else, and they’re so good for each other.” I
pause and look at her.
“Well have you told this person how you feel about them?”
My eyes widen.
“Oh no I can’t do that! H…they wouldn’t understand. You see that’s another reason why
I can’t do anything about my feelings. This person I like… is a guy. I… I don’t know what to do.”
She looks stunned. April is the first person I ever came out to in a round about way.
“Oh… I had
no idea you were gay.”
“No one did. I’ve always been too scared to let any one know.”
the only one you’ve told?” I nod. “Why did you choose to tell me first?”
this guy I like is… well he’s your son. Now you know why I don’t know what to do about this situation.”
I look down at my lap shamefully.
“I can’t believe I just told you. Please don’t say anything especially
I am starting to feel the tears in my eyes.
“Brandon it’s ok. It took a lot of
courage to tell me about this. If you don’t want me to say anything I wont.”
“Thanks.” I choke
my tears back. “But I still don’t know what to do.”
“I’m sorry but I really don’t
know what to tell you. I guess you’re going to have to figure this one out yourself. Do whatever feels right to you.”
“Ok. Ok I will.” I stand up and give her a hug.
“This actually helped me feel a little better.
Just getting this off my chest feels good.”
“If there’s ever any thing else, Brandon, don’t
be afraid to talk to me about it.”
“Thanks I’ll keep that in mind.” I say as I head back for
the door. “Have a nice day Ape.”
“You too Brandon. And don’t get yourself in trouble.”
“But what am I supposed to do for fun?” I laugh as I start to walk away from April’s earshot.
ol’e April. She’s always there to hand out motherly advice when you’re on her good side.
doing things just to watch her freak out, that’s a different story.
I really do feel better now that I talked
to her. I think I am able to think through what I’m going to do more clearly.
Don’t want to rush into
things, so I’ll start out slow. Think it will be best right now if I finally come out to everyone and leave it at that.
just came out to April and the world didn’t collapse, plus these are my friends so hopefully they will take it well.
I just have to decide how I’m going to go about doing it. Hmmm… which way is better?
band-aid off slowly and one hair at a time, or all at once with one quick rip?
I never had to drop a bomb like this
before so this is going to be tricky and most likely nauseating.