downstairs looking glum and walked over to his jukebox. He pressed the buttons to flip through the cd album covers, not really
caring which one he stopped on. He let the music play at random and turned away from the jukebox.
It had been a couple
hours since he went up to his room to cry and think, but he was more confused about everything than before.
know whether to talk to Novak about it, or let it be as it was. How would Novak even understand if he didn’t
even understand it all?
He walked over to the couch and collapsed onto it with a heavy sigh. Novak, who was already
sitting on the couch, looked over at Bam, wanting to say something but not knowing whether to say it or not. He wasn’t
even sure what to say.
“Novak?” Bam asked, not moving even to look at his friend.
“Can I talk
“You can tell me anything you need to, Bam.”
Bam sat up and drew his legs up to his
“I… I don’t even know where to begin. I uh… I have a problem with something and I…
aw forget it.”
"No go ahead, you can tell me. What’s your problem?”
know, that’s the thing."
“You lost me. You have a problem but you don’t know what it is?”
not it. I know what the problem is, I just… I’m confused.”
my relationship with Jenn… just everything.”
Novak adjusted his position so he would be closer to Bam.
what exactly confuses you?”
“Novak I don’t know what to tell you. I’ve tried explaining it
all to Jenn but she couldn’t understand what I was trying to say to her. Actually I didn’t understand it myself,
and I still don’t. But this whole thing that I’ve been trying to figure out is what led us to break up this time,
and I think that it might be for good.”
He paused, thinking that he was about to cry some more.
he fought bank any and all tears so he could finish what he was trying to say “I don’t know what’s going
on with me, all I know is I’ve been like this for a long time. Most of the time, I guess I’ve been in denial over
it, but lately I’ve been… I can’t deny it any more.”
“You don’t know exactly what
you were denying about yourself?”
“No I don’t. I mean…”
He looked at Novak with
wide, almost frightened, eyes.
“I don’t know if I’m gay or not and that scares me.”
well I guess that kiss I gave you didn’t help matters much.”
“Why… why did you kiss me?”
looked away and tried not to blush.
“I don’t know. You were just ,looking like you was hurting and I wanted
to do something to make you feel better. I guess I made things worse.”
“You didn’t really make things
worse, you just scared me when you did it. If you wanted me to feel better, why in the hell did you have to fucking
“Bam I’m sorry. You’re really vulnerable right now and I should have known better.”
He paused and looked into Bam’s eyes.
“I should have told you a long time ago, but I could never
find the right moment. I’m bisexual… and I… I’ve kind of had a crush on you for a while.”
was stunned. He didn’t know what to say or ever know how to move any more. This suddenly didn’t seem like the
same guy he had let move into his house.
The whole time that he had known him, he had no idea that he was keeping
something from him. Bam looked away from him, feeling the tears about to fall from his eyes.
“Why did you have
to say that? Why couldn’t you have just lied to me?”
Bam turned away from Novak and covered his eyes with
his hands. Novak dropped his lit cigarette into the ashtray on the table and then he turned to Bam and placed a hand on his
“Bam, hey listen. I think I know exactly what you’re going through, right now. See I was in a similar
situation that you’re in before I realized that I was bisexual.”
“Yeah? And what did you do?”
He asked half sarcastically through his hands
“Do you… I mean the more you think about it, trying to make
sense of it all, do you wind up getting even more confused?” Bam nodded his head.
“And it just gets you
upset, doesn’t it?”
Bam turned his head and gave him a tear-filled “Are you kidding me?” look.
“Ok I think that’s the problem. That’s the same problem I had. Trust me, you just need to relax
and not worrying about it so much.”
“That’s your advice?”
part of it. See another thing that helped me was when I decided to… to experiment with it.”
He asked with a disgusted tone.
“You mean for me to just go out and find some guy..”
whoa… no Bam. I don’t mean that you have to go out and fuck the first guy you see.”
do I do? It’s not like I ever picked up a guy before. I never even thought about doing that. Oh God… it
feels like this is happening so fast.”
“I know I know. But this could really help you not be confused any
more. You just have to be willing to try. I’m telling you, man, this really helped me.”
“Yes I know, but like I said before, I was in a similar situation. But I wasn’t afraid
“Novak I don’t know. This whole thing is terrifying.”
“Ok well answer
this question for me. What part scares you the most? Trying to figure it all out, or finally finding out the truth?"
then turned his head down and looked at the floor. He didn’t expect to be asked that question, so he didn’t really
think about it until that moment. Novak patted Bam’s back soothingly.
“This might sound crazy, but if you
feel better about it, I can help you out. It might be easier if you were with someone you all ready know, rather than going
out and meeting some one new.”
Bam looked up at him and took a little bit of time before he answered. He nodded
his head slowly.
“Ok… I’ll give it a try, only because I don’t want to be upset over this any
more. I’ve done too much crying, and most of it was during this conversation.” He wiped his tears away.
just hope that you’re right about this helping me.”
“Trust me Bam, it will.”
you just better not give me anything.” He added while trying to force a smile
“I can’t guarantee